I received the worst news possible today - my mother has advanced colon and liver cancer, and probably has only weeks left with us. Time, my enemy, is here again. I made immediate plans to fly to Utah for the duration, leaving this weekend. Whatever Time leaves me of her, I want like an angry child. My mother is my inspiration, my hero, she is everything. The greatest regret of my life has always been, and will remain, the fact that I am not like her, in any way. I've cried all day, at work - cried driving home - cried trying to tell my kids, cried when my husband assured me, Go and do not worry. I am alternately furious, and devastated. Heartbroken and grateful for the little Time has given. I can see this Time as a left-handed gift; we will have the chance to say the unsaid, remember the best and forget the rest. I want to have her voice on tape - what I wouldn't give to have my dad, or my grandmothers voices for my children and grands to hear. For me to hear on those worst of days.
(2 hours later.........)
Now after a series of phone calls, I know slightly more. I know that she does not understand how short her Time is. The reason I do is because she faxed me all the test results of what she's had done the past couple of weeks, and I speak that language. She has not yet met with her doctor about these results, so she is still waiting for interpretation. I could not tell her. She seems to know that she will not recover from this. She also asked me not to come yet - she has other people she wants to come visit, "While I still look and act like a human being" In a couple of weeks perhaps. She denies pain to me, but I know that to be something less than truthful. Actually, I recognise she is protecting me. She tells me she is eating well, and in the same breath admits to being down to 100 lbs. She is 5'6" tall. One of the reports describes her as "cachectic" which is medical terminology for cadaveric. Sunken, hollow-eyed and frail. Like the Aushwich survivors.
Tonight she is supposed to call my brother and tell him. I'll know if she does because he will immediately call me. He had no idea she was dealing with any health problems of any sort until I gave him a little heads-up this past weekend. I'm glad I did, so he will not be caught completely off guard.
Tonight is an Advent supper at church and I did not go, but DH did, and he will talk to our Pastor. I want prayers for her, for her comfort both physically and mentally, and for peace for her. I would also like prayers for myself because I need to be my strongest at the same time I want to howl and scream - "I want my Mother!!"
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
Posted by SuBee at 6:22 PM